August 20, 2012

USING “NICE WORDS” TO FIGHT BULLYING

Kevin Curwick

“A nice word can go a long ways.”  Those are the words of 17-year-old Kevin Curwick of Osseo, MN. I can attest to their truth.

When I was in my teens, I went with a friend to one of our small town’s pharmacies. I wasn’t there to shop. In those days I had no money. When my friends stopped in at Joe’s Corner Café after school, I went along, but without the necessary dollar, I didn’t eat unless one of them took pity on me and offered me some of their chips (fries) or a drink of their pop (soda.) So, in the drugstore, my friend shopped and I wandered the aisles, while the woman tending the store made small talk with me. I was at an age when I felt like an awkward, unattractive blob, and as I lingered over the eye makeup counter, she told me I had beautiful eyelashes. I knew it wasn’t true, as my eyelashes are very average and they happen to be stuck on the hooded eyes I inherited from my father’s side of the family. Nevertheless, I left that store glowing. Glowing.

It being a small town, I’m positive the woman knew my family history: that my home life was chaotic and that there was little money for the extras a teenage girl longs for. So she offered me a compliment, no doubt in the belief that I needed a bit of cheering. It seemed like a small thing, but the fact that I remember it after many decades speaks to the power of a “nice word.” Thank you Mrs. Holroyd.

I recalled this experience when I heard about the Twitter campaign of Kevin Curwick called Osseo Nice Things. Unlike kids who use Twitter to post negative cybertalk and to bully, Kevin decided to lift the spirits of classmates who were being bullied online by publishing only compliments about them. Comments such as, “Is going to be a famous musician one day. Katie Ray Murray.” Or, “Only knows how to be positive. Gabbi Horsford.”  For once, this is behavior you want to “go viral.” And it has. More and more similar Twitter sites are springing up in Minnesota, across the country, and around the world.

Over the years, I’ve also learned that, while a compliment given directly to someone is appreciated, it carries much more power if it comes from a third party. I can tell my son or daughter how proud I am of them and they’ll likely shrug. After all, they hear it from me as often as they deserve it. So I’ve taken to telling other people how proud I am of them, and, occasionally, the compliment will get passed along as, “Do you have any idea how proud your mom is of you? She just told me about XYZ.”

In the same way, it feels great to have your boss tell you you did a good job. But how much better it would feel if someone you just met said, “Oh, you’re Erik. Your boss told me you did a fantastic job on that Avery assignment.”

A mother, a boss. Anyone. If they think enough of a person to tell a third party, who, in turn, will offer a “nice word” when the opportunity arises, that’s a compliment to take to heart. And perhaps remember. The way I remember the time a considerate shop owner told an unhappy teenage girl she had lovely eyelashes.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if, instead of using Twitter to toot our own horn and promote our successes and the minutiae of our lives, we use it to make other people feel good about themselves, the way Mrs. Holroyd made me feel so many years ago?

It’s worth a try.

So go ahead and post something positive about another person. And once in a while, post something positive that a third party told you about someone else. After all, “A nice word can go a long ways.”

Bravo, Kevin Curwick! Carry on.

 

 

Posted by on August 20, 2012 in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , .

1 Comment

August 13, 2012

BULLYING WARNING SIGNS

 Is there any way to tell if a child is being bullied? Yes, according to Carrie Goldman, author of Bullied: What Every Parent, Teacher, and Kid Needs to Know About Ending the Cycle of Fear (Harper Collins, 2012).

Apparently, children exhibit different warning signs at different ages. Elementary age children will usually tell an authority figure such as a teacher or parent about the bullying, because they’re too young to worry about retaliation.

Those younger children who for some reason don’t tell, might signal they are being bullied by playing alone, asking to stay home from school, or regressing in toilet training.

In middle school, some victims will head immediately for the bathroom when they get home, usually because they’re afraid of using the school bathroom. Or they might appear ravenous, because they’re either too nervous to eat at school or because a bully has taken their lunch or their lunch money. At this age, they’re also aware of retaliation and peer opinion and don’t tell parents or teachers because they want to appear cool.

High school students give off their own unique hints that life isn’t all rosy. These include a change of eating habits, inability to sleep, lack of enthusiasm for past pleasures, and isolation from family. If they are being physically abused, they might wear long sleeves and pants to hide injuries. They might also dip into their parents’ alcohol or prescription medicines, or, in the worse case, begin giving away possessions, a sign that he or she might be considering suicide.

Of course, many of these signs are also indications of depression, which on its own can result from bullying. Discerning parents and teachers would be wise to learn the signs that a child is being bullied so they can step in in time to help the victim.

According to the description of Bullied, “Goldman brings together the expertise of leading authorities with the candid accounts of families dealing firsthand with peer victimization to present proven strategies and concrete tools for teaching children how to speak up and carry themselves with confidence; call each other out on cruelty; resolve conflict; cope with teasing, taunting, physical abuse, and cyberbullying; and be smart consumers of technology and media.…”

Before children can get assistance to end their bullying, an adult needs to know it’s happening. These signs  and this book should help.

Do you know any sign a child is being bullied that wasn’t mentioned? Adults have to be alert to every signal, no matter how subtle. Please share if you have any to add.

Posted by on August 13, 2012 in Uncategorized.

Leave a comment

August 6, 2012

TEENS SPEAK OUT ON BULLYING

YA Confidential is an excellent blog about all things that concern young adults.  Last week their teen participants discussed bullying with one of the blog hosts. These insightful young people had a lot to say. I found their comments on why people become targets, whether or not it helps to have an adult step in, and the role of the balance of power in bullying very interesting. I’m sharing the article here, but you can also read it on the YA Confidential website. (The bullying section begins partway down the page.)

 

Bullying. Is in-person bullying more or less prevalent than online bullying? What about verbal bullying versus physical bullying?

 

Katy U: I’m wondering if online bullying is more prevalent because of the anonymous factor.

Gracie: I could definitely see that Katy – people can hide behind being anonymous

Gracie: But it’s definitely still present in person, especially at school

Alexandra: Yes. And I think online has a passive component to it, too. It’s easier to click “like” on a mean Facebook status than it is to stand there and watch while someone’s getting made fun of.

Lissa: In-person bullying seems more prominent in my area than online bullying, just as verbal bullying is more common than physical bullying. I haven’t heard much of cyberbullying since, like, fourth grade. Actually, I think cyberbullying is more common with middle-grade kids because I’ve heard a lot more it from younger relatives who are from grades 5-8.

Gracie: I’d also say that verbal bullying is more prevalent

Katie: In-person is bigger I think because kids and teens today don’t realize that they are being mean rude or hurtful.

Gracie: Yes, Katie so true. I find a lot of bullying is really subtle

Laura: From my experience, in-person bullying is definitely more widespread. I’ve only witnessed online bullying a handful of times. Verbal bullying also seems like the common route for bullies. I’ve never actually seen or heard of anyone getting physically tormented. Note: I’m home-schooled now but I spent seven years at regular school where I was verbally bullied, on and off, during my time there.

Lennon: I honestly don’t really see a lot of bullying at my school or online that much but what I do see is normally online. I’ve actually never witnessed physical bullying before, all that I’ve ever seen (in middle school, some of high school) has been verbal abuse.

Alison: My thirteen year old says Facebook “fights” are not unusual. And a bunch of her friends scream “FACEBOOK FIGHT” and go watch people duke it out in the comments.

Alexandra: Sadly, I have adults on my feed who do the same thing.

Katy U: I do too, Alexandra, though I imagine it’s so much tougher in high school

Gracie: Gah… that’s so awful. 20:57

Katie: Reall,y Alison? I’ve never heard or experienced that.

Alison: It’s on my feed too – mostly with former students. I ignore it

Gracie: Why do people do that anyway?

Alison: Good question, Gracie

Katie: Facebook fight or bullying in general?

Gracie: I guess bullying – but also Facebook fighting.

Gracie: Mostly Facebook fighting though

Katy U: I think the crowd mentality can be a powerful thing, and maybe because it’s easier to hide behind a computer screen?

Katie: Facebook fighting, I don’t know… Bullying in general, some people think it’s funny, and others do it to bring themselves above others.

 

Which brings us to another question: At your school, what kinds of things do kids get bullied for? Is it boy/girl drama centered? Just kids picking on others for whatever reason? 

 

Laura: Kids were bullied for ridiculously stereotypical and materialistic things. There was always something to criticize, whether it was their weight, their height and their friends or the quality of their clothing, the mole on their face and the amount of make-up they shielded themselves with. It was for deeper things, too – like for being too smart, for being too dumb, for being weak or for being strong enough to stand up for themselves. It was for being different; it was for being themselves. But, most of all, it was suffocating.

Lennon:My school is not normal. It has a zero tolerance policy for bullying and if you get caught, you will face severe punishment. One girl got expelled for saying a slur to another girl about her sexuality. However, based on what I see at my base school, people can be bullied because of their race, sexuality, size, looks, if they are a virgin or not, how much money they have, how nice their clothes are, etc.

Katy U: Lennon, I love that your school has a zero tolerance policy and actually enforces it!

Gracie: People at my school are bullied for being really out of it. There’s this one student with special needs that gets picked on… people like that. It’s really sad

Alison: UGH, Gracie – that makes me so…sad and MAD

Gracie: I don’t see a lot of boy/girl drama bullying though…

Katie: I don’t think it’s boy/girl related at least from what I’ve seen. I mostly see what Gracie sees.

Gracie: Honestly I don’t think they know, because like I said before a lot of bullying is just really subtle – little things that students do to show they don’t accept a person or that they don’t approve

Katy U: Gracie, that is heartbreaking… I remember similar incidents back when I was in HS though

Lissa: I have a lot of immigrants where I live, and those are the kids that get bullied the most because of their accents or traditions. What’s most common is kids being bullied because they don’t quite understand what’s going on, as they’re not familiar with North American culture or language.

Katy U: It seems like being overtly different makes kids (people) the biggest target, whether it’s how they look or differing interests, etc…

Katie: On the flip side though I see people stepping out of their comfort zone to befriend special kids.

Alison: I see that at my school too, Katie

Gracie: I think a lot of it is this mentality that a majority of students have to not like/approve of certain students, and then everyone starts thinking like that because it seems like everyone else does

Alison: Most of the bullying at my school, at least what I’ve observed or heard about is petty, catty stuff, IMHO – and usually among underclassmen

 

Can adults (parents, teachers) do anything to stop bullying? Or does involving them only make the situation worse and cause retaliation? 

 

Lissa:From previous experience with bullying, whenever an adult or teacher has gotten involved, things have gotten worse. Still, that’s not to say I don’t think adults should get involved, because I totally think things are bound to get out of hand if someone isn’t monitoring bullying. I know that students are taught about how to deal with bullying constantly, but I also think that adults and teachers should be given more options and ideas on how to help deal with what’s becoming a huge problem.

Katy U: Great point, Lissa.

Lennon:I think that, based on what I have seen, getting adults involved would be helpful for a short amount of time, but once the adult feels that the problem has gone away, I believe that the bullying would continue.

Katie: I think parents play a huge role. Not in stopping it but in preventing it. Don’t allow your kids to be mean at any point. Teach them morals before they reach the point of bullying others.

Alison: well said, Katie

Gracie: Katie – yes! Teacher and parents need to demonstrate and teach respect.

Alison: And I think there’s a more conscious effort on that in schools these days

Gracie: Honestly there were some teachers at my school who were bullies themselves just by being so disrespectful

Alison: Gracie – that is HORRIBLE

Alison: but I sadly see it too

Katie: Kids and sometimes grow adults don’t understand that to get respect you have to give it first.

Katy U: I see bullying among people my age too… Even the writing community has a bully emerge now and then

Katie: Wow, Katy, that’s sad…

Gracie: Don’t some writers attack Goodreads reviewers that gave negative reviews? I don’t know a lot about it…

Katy U: Honestly, I try to stay as far away from all of it as I can. I hear about it, then I ignore it.

Laura: Bullies are relentless and giving them a slap on the wrist or a lecture isn’t going to change that, or at least it didn’t at my school. Personally, I was too embarrassed to admit that I was being bullied but I knew kids who did and, sadly for them, the situation didn’t change.

Katy U: It’s maddening to know that tons of kids suffer in silence because they’re afraid to step forward. No one should have to be afraid at school.

Gracie: Gah… bullying makes me really frustrated. Why can’t everyone just be nice and respectful?? It works so much better…

Alison: AGREED

Katie: I agree, Gracie. Some people just can’t seem to be able to so that.

Katy U: Well said, Gracie

Gracie: Thanks…

 

So, if you were aware of someone being bullied (say, you heard rumors about them or saw nasty things posted on Facebook) would you say something? Or would there be something (like fear of the bully turning on you) that would make you hesitate or stay silent? 

 

Lennon:It depends on the situation. My friends are very sarcastic so things can be taken out of context a lot. If it was bad enough, I would say something. It also depends on the person doing the bullying. If it’s someone who is known for being a jerk, I would probably just ignore it, maybe talk to the person being bullied just so they know it’s not personal. I don’t think I would care if a “bully” turned on me, they are just people with a power complex that they will eventually grow out of.

Gracie: To be honest I wouldn’t always do something, just because it’s easier not to. Also, sometimes it’s really hard for people to be reasonable about things like that, especially online

Katie: I wound try to befriend the victim and try to show by example that there’s is no point to bullying this kid. If it continued, I would go to an adult.

Gracie: Sounds like a good plan Katie

Katie: Thanks. It’s work several times.

Alison: It does sound like a good plan, Katie. And Gracie – I think a lot of kids feel like you do. Like a) there’s no point or b) it’s easier to stay out of it. Or at least I bear witness to some of that with my own students.

Gracie: It takes bravery to do what Katie does

Alison: I imagine sometimes it’s hard to tell if people are just playing around if there’s really some serious damage being inflicted

Gracie: Yes, that too

Alison: And yes – it does take bravery to do what Katie does.

Laura: If it would help the situation, I would definitely say something.

Lissa: I also try to step in when I see kids getting bullied – I tend to interrupt the conversations going on, or “accidentally on purpose” get in the way when the bullied is getting interrogated. More often than not I hear a lot of back talk, and I try to steer away conversations from the person at hand.

 

Stopbullying.gov says that in bullying there is a power imbalance, real or perceived. What kind of perceived power imbalances exist in your school? (like… cheerleaders are superior to band members, for example.) Are there any REAL power imbalances? (like… a really huge kid threatening to beat up someone tiny)

 

Katie: I think that the problem with people today is that they don’t see or understand where the line is between teasing and bullying. A friend of mine once told me true friends don’t tease they encourage.

Gracie: I think that’s true, Katie. I think this was mentioned before but a lot of people don’t think they’re hurting anything when they are

Alison: agreed – until it escalates to something WAY out of control

Lennon: In my school, the upperclassmen seem to think that they are better than the younger years. There are a few people who believe that they are the God’s gift who think that they can do what they want when really people just hate them and say crap about them, which I don’t see as bullying at all. If you can dish it out, you better be able to take it too.

Katie: I think there power imbalances but I don’t think it’s possible to stereotype it to one group. I think it’s just some people who choose it, consciously or not.

Lissa: I feel as if my school is very vain, personally. It always seems like the most gorgeous, or richer people, become a hundred times superior to everyone else.

Alison: Sometimes that teasing/bullying line is a hard one for even teachers to read. In my classroom, not so much, but outside of it – sometimes kids really are just messing around.

Katie: Yes and when it’s out of control sometimes it’s too late to fix it because the damage is already done.

Gracie: I think that happens with teachers who are disrespectful sometimes too – they think they’re being funny

Alison: AGREED to both of those statements!

Katie: When teachers do that, they don’t realize it gives the students the right to do the same

Laura: I agree that some kind of power imbalance is involved in most cases. For example, I’ve known richer kids who think they’re entitled to look down upon poorer kids and seen plenty of kids who have a large group of friends mock those who have less or none. I’ve also heard bigger kids threaten smaller kids before but never actually seen them act on it.

Katy U: I remember witnessing those same power imbalances when I was in high school, Lara.

Alison: I don’t know that there are any stereotyped power imbalances at my school. There are just some people that don’t get along or don’t like someone for whatever reason – not confined to a group

Gracie: Oh that makes sense… and it’s so true, Katie. Alison – same at my school

Alison: From a teacher’s POV, I just have to know my kids – which ones I can be sarcastic with and which ones need a little more sensitivity. But sadly there are teachers that use sarcasm or derisive humor with everyone – and it rears its ugly head

Katie: The teachers do have a hard time I believe with identifying that line. I’ve had only one teacher who has used sarcasm incorrectly.

Gracie: sigh…

Alison: Fortunately – I don’t see many teachers like that.

Gracie: Neither do I, actually, just a couple. Most of my teachers are awesome

Alison: Anything else you’d like to add on the topic of bullying? 

Katie: Encourage… don’t tease! People might take it the wrong way!

Alison: Great advice, Katie!

Gracie: Be respectful!

Isn’t this a great bunch of young adults?

Posted by on August 6, 2012 in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , .

2 Comments

July 30, 2012

THE AMAZING LIZZIE VELASQUEZ

The amazing Lizzie Velasquez

I’ll admit to being an Olympics fanatic, so I have one eye on the “telly” while I write. I’m also a fan of live action Olympics rather than the canned, choreographed version the networks give us, which means I’m watching the only sport I could find being shown live–table tennis. The reflexes of the participants are stunning, especially since the table looks about four feet long. I even did some research to make certain they hadn’t changed the regulation size. (It must be the angle.)

This is a long explanation for why this week’s blog post is not going to be an extensive essay. Instead, I’m going to introduce you to an amazing young woman named Lizzie Velasquez, who lives with Neonatal Progeroid Syndrome, one of only three such people in the world. The syndrome prevents her from gaining weight, no matter how much she eats. To those who struggle with gaining too much, that sounds like heaven, but watch the video before you come to that conclusion.

Because of the way she looks, Lizzie has been bullied–called Skinnybones and Pork Chop Legs, rejected, told that she should commit suicide. There are even websites that target her. But don’t feel sorry for Lizzie. She exudes a spirit we should all emulate. If nothing else, she makes our problems seem much smaller. And (almost) makes me glad I have absolutely no problem gaining weight. Here’s Lizzie in a  presentation for the It Gets Better project talking about her experiences and sharing her suggestions for how to deal with bullies. Prepare to be amazed.

Learn more about Lizzie in this article and video.

Instead of worshiping vacant-headed, reality television bimbos, young women today should look to people like Lizzie Velasquez for role models–and heroes. You go, girl!

 

Posted by on July 30, 2012 in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , .

2 Comments

July 23, 2012

LIKE ME OR I’LL BULLY YOU

While studying for my graduate degree, I took a class taught by a professor who had developed a theory that all human interaction is based on the need to be socially accepted by our peers, that everything we do in the world is predicated upon this need, which ranks up there right after food, shelter, and safety. It is an interesting theory, and my main complaint with the class was that each of the professor’s students had to fully accept the truth of that premise in order to get a good grade. That class ruined my perfect GPA.

I recently ran across an article on OEDb (Online Education Database) describing ten psychological studies on the nature of bullying. And right there, at number three, was a report on social desires and bullying. Apparently, a Dutch study found that bullies are most often driven by “the desire to attain status and win the affections of their peers, desires nearly all students share.” My former professor would disagree with the “nearly” and say that every student shares that desire. Perhaps his theory was closer to the truth than I knew back then.

What differentiates bullies from their peers, according to the study, is the way bullies use dominance to attain status. This behavior, naturally, is risky and usually denies them their desire to win the affection of their peers. It also makes them focus on the classmates who appear weak or unpopular.

According to the article, there is more to the story, however. “Social desires,” the researchers report, “also drive how victims respond to bullying.”

A 2011 study conducted at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign found:

  •  Students who are motivated to form strong relationships with their peers were more likely to use proactive strategies to reduce harassment from a classmate.
  •  Those who wanted to be perceived as ‘cool’ were more likely to lash out at bullies.
  •  Students who wanted to avoid negative judgments of their peers were most likely to do nothing at all.

Researchers say that “these insights into bullying should help shape future interventions in schools, promoting conflict resolution and showing students the way to build healthy relationships with their peers.”

The key seems to be the desire to form strong relationships. Is that desire innate or must it be nurtured? Perhaps if the children themselves are nurtured and have strong, loving bonds with their families, it might create a foundation for this need to carry over once the child begins school.

I’m not suggesting that a child who is loved and nurtured has zero chance of becoming a bully once it leaves the nest, although that would be wonderful. But another psychological study mentioned in the article found that bullying behaviors are learned and practiced at home, so that might be a good place to start.

If bullying can be taught—probably through example—hopefully, its opposite, the benefit of having warm relationships with peers, can be encouraged. Of course, it’s not realistic to believe that everyone will like everyone else all the time, or even want to have a relationship with them. But it can’t be too much to ask that, even if you don’t give a hoot about another person, you show respect for and kindness toward him or her. And that, surely, can be taught.

Posted by on July 23, 2012 in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , .

Leave a comment

July 16, 2012

BULLYING AND THE HUMAN TOUCH

I taught school in the days when teachers were allowed to hug a student who was having a bad day, a student who might not get much affection at home, or simply because the student wanted a hug. Today, thanks to adults who are incapable of drawing the line or controlling unnatural impulses, teachers have to restrain this loving impulse for fear they’ll be considered a pedophile. Much has been lost, for humans and society, as a result. More, perhaps, than we realize.

Over the years, research has raised awareness of the power of touch. The skin is the body’s largest organ. When touched, its sensory receptors are stimulated and the “feel good” hormone, oxytocin, is released. That’s why a warm hug can make a person feel so good. Unfortunately, in today’s world, we relate more through social media than through a firm handshake or a hug. And even when we’re around others, we hold back, especially in the workplace and in schools, for fear of the gesture being misinterpreted. So human connection is reduced to the internet or to fist bumps. But even a fist bump helps, because the benefits of touch are many, and, sadly, many people go through their week without ever feeling the comfort of another human’s touch.

Tiffany Field, Ph.D., director of the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami, has conducted extensive research on the benefits of touch. According to Dr. Field, touch facilitates weight gain in preterm infants, improves attentiveness and immune function, eases symptoms of depression, and reduces pain and stress hormones.

Even more important for the purposes of this blog, are the social functions of touch. Research by Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., of the University of California, Berkeley, shows that touch can provide a feeling of reward, can reinforce reciprocity, signal safety, and soothe.

Dr. Keltner describes people in North America and England as “touch deprived.” In one study, conversations between friends were recorded during a set period of time. In England, the participants did not touch at all during their time together. In the United States, they touched two times. In Puerto Rico, those conversing touched 180 times.

Dr. Field also did some research on touch in other countries. In one study, “French and American preschool children were observed on playgrounds with their parents and peers. The American children played with their parents, talked with and touched their parents less and were more aggressive toward their parents. During peer interactions, the American children also showed less touching their peers and more grabbing their peers’ toys, more aggression toward their peers and more fussing.” In other words, American preschoolers are touched less and are more aggressive than preschoolers in France.

In another Field study, “adolescents were observed at McDonalds’ restaurants in Paris and Miami to assess the amount of touching and aggression during their peer interactions. The American adolescents spent less time leaning against, stroking, kissing, and hugging their peers than did the French adolescents. Instead they showed more self-touching and more aggressive verbal and physical behavior.” Field concluded that American adolescents touch each other less and are more aggressive toward their peers when compared with French adolescents.

Might the research of Dr. Keltner and Dr. Field provide insight into bullying? It would be interesting to know if the rates of bullying are lower in Puerto Rico than in the U.S.

Might a light touch on the shoulder make a bully feel better and therefore less likely to torment another, because he has a greater need to be kind, i.e. reward and reciprocity?

Might a hug for a victim make them feel safe and soothed, less alone and, perhaps, less likely to commit suicide?

Do young people become bullies because they get no cuddling as babies, few hugs as children, not even a back pat as an adolescent?

Might the solution to bullying be as simple as making certain all children get a goodly share of touch?

Even without research to prove the need, it’s a simple idea that can be put into effect immediately. Parents can spend more physical time snuggling with their children. Fathers, particularly, should hug and kiss their sons more often.

Even if they can’t offer a hug, teachers can touch a child’s shoulder or provide a pat on the back if he or she is having a bad day.

A classmate should be free to hug another who is being bullied, without fear of fallout.

Perhaps the solution to bullying really is as simple as the human touch, beginning with infants and continuing throughout life.

According to Dr. Keltner, the artist Michaelangelo is reported to have said, “To touch is to give life.” Perhaps we’ve had the answer to bullying all along.

(All photos from Photobucket.)

 


Posted by on July 16, 2012 in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Leave a comment

July 9, 2012

BULLIES ON PAWN STARS

I’ll admit to being a fan of Pawn Stars and American Picker on the History Channel. A picker at heart, I felt like a bee in clover when cleaning out the stuffed garage of the tear-down house we bought, despite the dirt and hard work. I even found a few treasures to sell on eBay.

For those readers who have never watched Pawn Stars, the “reality” show is set in a pawn shop in Las Vegas, where the main characters—The Old Man, his son, Rick, Rick’s son, Corey, and Corey’s longtime friend, Chumlee—work. The premise revolves around the items brought into the shop to sell or to pawn. The show qualifies to be featured on the History Channel because the history of each object is explained, often by experts who are brought in to authenticate the item.

This week I quit watching Pawn Stars. One reason is I’m spending too much time watching television and not enough reading, writing—or sleeping. Another is that Rick has this little giggle that has started to drive me NUTS. I can sympathize.  It’s probably an unconscious reaction he might not even be aware of. Once upon a long time ago, an interviewer at an employment agency asked if I realized I giggled when I was nervous. That was news to me, but, ever since, I’ve been aware of the behavior in others. And finally, after X number of years, Rick’s little giggle has gotten to me. Has no one ever told him? (I won’t even go into the bleeps and the poor grammar used on the show. Grrrr!)

The biggest reason I’ve quit watching, though, is related to the topic of this blog—bullying. Old Man, Rick, and Corey all bully Chumlee. He’s told to shut up and called an idiot. They play cruel tricks on him and make him the brunt of jokes. Sure, Chumlee sets himself up to be a target with his bumbling ways, his (hopefully) feigned ignorance (he has read Walden), his scruffy appearance, and his weight, although everyone on the show is overweight. I’ve seen him interviewed and he comes off as much more intelligent and well-spoken than the television Chumlee, so he must be simply playing a role. And Chumlee isn’t the only one picked on, but he does get the worst of it.

I realize the show is meant to entertain and much of it is likely scripted, even Chumlee’s role as victim. However, whether it is their intention or not, stars on television have the power to influence viewers, and, real or fake, I believe the amount of bullying that occurs on Pawn Stars is a concern. It tells people that decency in workplace relationships and civility between friends aren’t important. If reinforces that bullying, even among adults, is acceptable, perhaps reinforces this even more because the show is a “reality” show and not fiction.

Pawn Stars would be as entertaining without making any of the participants the butt of jokes and unkind remarks. Chumlee provides a modicum of gentle humor without being a victim. The bullying leaves a sour taste and make the stars less likeable. Eliminate it and I might start watching again. Especially if Rick stops giggling.

Do you agree with my opinion of bullying on Pawn Stars?

Are you aware of any television shows where the characters bully each other on a regular basis?

I’d love to hear from you.

Posted by on July 9, 2012 in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , .

11 Comments

July 2, 2012

BRING BACK CIVILITY!

ImageIn a June 26th Troy Media post of a two-part article called Canaries in the Mine, Anne McTavish, conflict coach and lawyer, writes that our attitude toward bullying needs to change. But what also needs to change is the climate that perpetuates it.

“The larger danger,” writes McTavish, “is found in ideas young people have learned: that destroying someone you don’t like is the thing to do, and that suicide is the thing to do when bullying gets bad.…

The idea that it’s OK to destroy someone you don’t like or who is somehow in your way didn’t start with our young people. They are just more open about it. Demonizing the other side is standard operating procedure in American politics these days. Just look at the attacks on Sarah Palin and her children. After the Obama Campaign released the names of some donors to Mitt Romney’s campaign and attacked them, bloggers joined the attack. One donor, Frank VanderSloot, has described how the false allegations not only affected him personally, but also affected his company’s sales. That’s not just rough-and-tumble politics, that’s the politics of personal destruction.

It’s difficult to have a public debate about political policies or about a politician’s track record when stepping into the political arena means that the lions will be released—not just on you, but also on your company, your family and even your children. No longer are people being silenced by a stronger argument, but by stronger mobs.

This idea that it’s OK to destroy someone you don’t like or who is somehow in your way isn’t just found on the campaign trail, it’s found in our workplaces, at sporting events, and even in our homes. It’s a dangerous idea that needs to be made obsolete.”

Friends and I often discourse on the lack of civility in today’s society, wherein civility is defined as courtesy or politeness, polite action or expression. To this definition I’d also add the polite exchange of ideas or the courteous discussion of differences. But no one seems to be able to disagree or even discuss in a polite fashion these days. Read the comments on a political blog, any partisan site, or at rallies and Little League games and you’ll encounter name calling, diatribe, rude accusations, vile language, and unsubstantiated opinion hollered LOUDLY. The goal does not seem to be the civil sharing of opinion or exchange of ideas, but, as McTavish states, only the destruction or demonizing of the purported enemy. Nowadays, the “winner” is seemingly the one who shouts the loudest and talks the nastiest.

Since when did differences make people enemies? I recall a more civil time when political and religious beliefs weren’t aired  in polite company. Everyone had an opinion, but everyone also knew that airing or contentiously refuting these opinions might lead to combative discussions, hurt feelings, broken relationships, and loss of cooperation. No civil person wanted that. Today, every topic, no matter how personal or private, is open for discussion. The result seems to have led to heated, cruel discourse, inability of opposing sides to reach agreement on vital matters, and, perhaps, even to open hatred and violence. (Taiwanese parliament, anyone?)

Until our elected leaders can once again cooperate and be civil to each other, until parents at their children’s sporting events cease name calling and physical attacks, until spouses begin to show respect and kindness for each other and for their children, I doubt much will change.

Bully (def.): a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people.

Sometimes I think all segments of society have resorted to bullying, not necessarily picking on the smaller or weaker, but picking on the other side in order to make it smaller or weaker, in order to make their own voice louder and to keep the other side from being heard. It’s the politics of personal destruction. It makes no difference if it started in politics, in sports, in the workplace, or in the home. Wherever it began, the lack of civil behavior, the permission to mistreat others and believe you can get away with it, has filtered down to our children. And no matter where it begins now, it is time to kick bullying to the curb. It’s time to bring back civility and to set an example for our children—and perhaps even for the world. Until that happens, I predict there will continue to be miserable, suffering children who wind up killing themselves to end their pain.

Opinions anyone?

Posted by on July 2, 2012 in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Leave a comment

June 25, 2012

CHOOSE KIND

I gripped the steering wheel, fretting and generally having a rotten day. Life had dumped on me what seemed like an unfair share of burdens and I felt grumpy, depressed, and anxious. Suddenly, the sunroof on the car ahead of me opened, a hand appeared, the fingertips together and the wrist bent, like a snake’s head or like a curious meerkat. The hand jerked left, right, up, and behind as though a critter were eyeballing its surroundings. The effect was hysterical, and I burst into laughter.

The “creature” continued to “observe” for a couple of blocks, then disappeared inside the car. But it had accomplished something amazing. My mood had lightened. The world suddenly didn’t look so gray. Years later, I still smile when I remember that one simple act by a total stranger, who had made a difference in my day because he had chosen to do something silly.

Life is a series of choices. Some choices are fleeting and inconsequential: Vanilla or chocolate? Salty or sweet?

Some are more important: Italy or England? Joe Morelli or Ranger? Law or art? Chemo or no chemo?

Then there are those choices that fall somewhere in between, the ones that won’t radically change many lives, perhaps not even your life, but might, just might make a lasting difference in the life of one other person. And for young people or for the shy, that might be the most difficult choice of all, because it requires you to stand up, to step in, and to speak out.

I’m referring to the choice people make when they see another person being bullied. Do you walk away and say nothing, hoping the bully won’t turn laser eyes on you? Do you tell someone in authority? Or do you step up and speak out to stop the abuse?

This month, Random Children’s Books launched Choose Kind, a campaign to curtail the nationwide rise in bullying by “using the antidote of everyday acts of kindness.” As described by the Shelf Awareness site, “Chip Gibson, president and publisher of the division, said the initiative was inspired by Wonder (Knopf), the debut novel by R.J. Palacio. The hero at its center, fifth-grader Auggie Pullman, is attending school for the first time. His cranial and facial abnormalities force his fellow students and teachers to come face to face with themselves. “The outpouring of enthusiasm from book lovers and educators moved us to share the poignant message of this novel with a wider audience,” Gibson said. “I am proud to give them, and anyone around the world, the opportunity to discover the story and to pledge with us to Choose Kind.”

The Choose Kind site encourages readers of the book and their families to post their own experiences of being bullied or of times when they wished they had acted differently when witnessing acts of bullying.

Choices. As Rocky learns in my book Bully at Ambush Corner, often the right choice is the hardest. But “choosing kind” when it comes to bullying doesn’t necessarily mean putting oneself in danger. Simply telling someone in authority can be a kindness. Sometimes a kind word to the bullied in private will tell the victim he or she is not invisible, that someone cares. That might be enough to give him or her the courage to take the necessary steps to end the bullying.

The same is true for the bully. A quiet, kind word showing you understand that all is not right in their world might make a difference.

An understanding word. A small act of kindness. How simple. How powerful. And, like a yawn or a smile, hopefully contagious.

Check out the Choose Kind website. Then share your story here about how a small act of kindness made a difference in your life. It doesn’t even have to be related to bullying. It just has to show how a tiny gesture can carry amazing power.

Posted by on June 25, 2012 in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , .

2 Comments

June 9, 2012

GONE!

I’ll be away from my desk for the next two Mondays. Rather than schedule posts and hope they publish, I’ve elected to take the time off. I should be back posting on June 25.

Until then.

 

 

Posted by on June 9, 2012 in Uncategorized.

1 Comment